- [dan] hello, internet.- [phil] hey, guys. hi. - hello, internet. â™ª [music] â™ª - why do you always makecat whiskers on your face? hello, everyone! hey, guys.hello, hello, hello, hello. - hello, hello, hello. hi, hi. in the middle, hey.how you doing? at the very top, hi.hi. how are you? - hi. hello.
- so hollywood, how are youdoing tonight? are you good? allright. well, dan, at no point in life,thought he'd be saying that,seriously. but good that youare good. yes. - yeah. so dan, as we're here inhollywood... - we are, indeed. - i would like three facts abouthollywood, please. - wait. what?- three facts. - you can't just ask me to givethem facts. i don't haveanything prepared. - i mean you must know somethingabout hollywood. come on. factone.
- okay. i know somethingthat happened this morning. we were walking throughhollywood, and we saw shrek's star on thewalk of fame, seriously. - that we did. - i am not joking. we were justlooking down, and i was like,"wait. oh, my god. oh, my god. my senpai." it wasgood. it was an emotional momentfor me. - there was actual tearson that shrek star. - there were, actually.- fact two. - another fact is that this isthe actual theater where theoscars happen.
that's awesome, right? you guys, you are sharingseats with some celebrity butts. i am telling you that,seriously.- definitely. - just soak it up. oh, yeah. - fact three. - obviously a fact is that thepeople of hollywood havebeautiful american accents. that's true.- yes. - it is a wonderful thing forus brits. i have an idea. as phil just so kindlyput me on the spot like that,
how's about phil gives ushis best american accent? - you can't make me doan american accent. - we all want to hear philattempt that. don't we? come on. - i am sorry in advance. oh,hey, hollywood. i'm so happy tobe here. that was terrible. that wasreally bad. - what was that? okay. - i'm sorry. - well, i don't know about youguys, but i feel like we shouldmove on before we get deported. yeah. right. well, this is allgood. phil, i don't want to alarm youor anything, but look around.
what the heckis all of this stuff? isn't that one of yourhouse plants, phil? - yes. there's my cactus, loki. - loki? - yeah. - i wasn't aware you startednaming your house plants. - i named the cactus. - okay. but no, look. it's therubber duck from our bathroom orthe stickers from your laptop. - there's my sharpiecollection as well.
- what is under that thing? - you know i can't resistsomething covered with amysterious cloth. - should phil pull it off?yeah, come on, phil. - wow.- that's huge. - i'm going to ride it.- you're going to what? - i'm going to ride it. - okay. phil is mounting thegiant lion, everybody. [cheering] - it's so majestic.
- right. so if there was agiant lion under that sheet, then i wonder what's goingto be under that one. okay. i think we all know.let's see. okay. and it is... a giant llama. wow. oh, would you look at that? it'slike a huge tribute to 2011. whatever next? will a packet ofmaltesers and a placenta rollacross the stage? seriously. cringe attack. - who thinks dan shouldmount the llama? - no, no, no, stop. i'm quitehappy down here. thank you.
- mount the llama. mount thellama. mount the llama. mountthe llama. - okay. fine. fine. okay. geez.peer pressure. okay. i'm gettingon the llama. right. okay. this is very high.all right. hey. - hey. i wonder if they've gotany special features. there's alittle button here. [roar] that's how i feel every morning. - wow. i wonder what thebutton on mine does. - yeah.[llama noise] - really? that exact noise?
- is that how you feelevery morning, dan? - yeah, that's kind of how ifeel right now, actually. - so... - well, this is a thing then. [ding] guys, this is the thing that wejust came through, this thing inthe middle here. yeah. yeah. phil, it appearsto be a giant microwave. what? - uh-oh. i mean, what? - phil, do you know somethingabout the giant microwave?
- um.- phil? - i mean it's a greatonomatopoeia. microwave. - nice reference there, phil. isee. right. that's it. i'mgetting down. oh no. i'm gonna die. okay. thank you. right.phil, get off the lion. i think we need to have alittle chat about something. - i can't get down. - what do you meanyou can't get down? - i'm stuck.
- oh, you're stuck, are you?that's convenient. sorry about this, guys. veryembarrassing. we're having a bitof a domestic here. i swear to god, i will pull youoff the lion if you don't getdown right now, phil. - it's so high. ah. ah. - this is why you don't mountthings. right. so phil? - well, you know how my laptop'salways running out of battery. - yeah, because you watch animein the bath every morning forthree hours. - and how radiation givespeople superpowers. - yep. sure, phil.
- well, i may havemicro-- [cough] - sorry, phil. could you saythat a bit louder for the guysat the back? - i microwaved my laptop! - you did what? why would youmicrowave your laptop? - i thought it wouldincrease the battery life. - oh, my god. phil, i don'tbelieve this. that is sodangerous. firstly, literally, the entirething is made out of metal. secondly, nobody understandswhat microwaves do. they doweird things to physics. i mean you put in corn kernels,and it just comes out likepopcorn. what's that about?
- exactly.- hang on. hang on. dan, i thinkthat's what happened here. - what? - i put my laptop in themicrowave, and everything insideit pops out like popcorn. - wait. phil, i think you'reright. that must be exactly whathas happened here. you microwaved your laptop and everything inside it andfrom our youtube channel hasexploded into reality. - wow. i'm glad i emptied myrecycle bin before thathappened. - do i want to know? - no.- okay.
- so how does that explainthese guys then? - well, i guess these guys mustbe our followers from theinternet. hey. hey. - hey. wow.- cool. - they're like real-lifeyoutube comments. - dear god, that is aterrifying thought. wait, wait. what does that mean?if they're real-life youtubecomments, does that mean we can thumbsthem up and thumbs them down andstuff? - don't thumbs anyoneup or down, please. - whoa. okay. sorry. sorry.
really didn't want to get tothumbing that early in the show. but no, seriously.see the person right there? what would happenif i reported them? would they just fly into theceiling and disappear orsomethng? - i think in this universe,that could be murder. so no blocking, reporting,thumbing. - okay. sorry, sorry,sorry. - just leave them alone. - well, i think you'll allagree. this is a pretty weirdsituation. so i am going to post a cheekytweet about this. one sec.
all right. let's see.whoa, whoa, whoa. wait, phil. something'shappened to my phone. it's a nokia 3310. - awesome. we can play snake. - no, phil. i don't think you'vequite understood what's clearlygoing on here. - no more iphone, everythingfrom your laptop, these guyssuddenly in real life. phil, you have destroyedthe internet. oh, my god. phil, what do we do? i don't know how to livewithout the internet.
how are we supposed toentertain these people? i'm used to hidingbehind a screen so i don't have to dealwith their reactions. - well, you know what mygrandma always used to say? if you microwave your laptop anddestroy the universe, make themost out of the situation. - that's an incredibly specificpiece of advice, phil. - seriously though. i mean we'reon a stage. we've got anaudience. there's loads of snazzylights everywhere. - there are.
- i think i could do somethingi've always dreamed of. - well, what have you alwaysdreamed of doing, phil? - well, something like... - phil? phil, what's happening?wait, phil. why is there musicplaying? â™ª whenever i'm alone or if i'mfeeling gray, there's one placei can goâ™ª â™ª to brighten up my day. â™ª - stop. stop. stop themusic. stop the music. hey. - hey. - you turn off that light.you're encouraging him.
sorry. sorry, everybody. i don't want to be that guy,but, phil, we are youtubers. we make videos on the internet. we don't burst into song liketroy bolton. - oh. i think we should trysomething different, a littlesong, a little dance. as less-amazing phil would say,"try new things." - okay. phil, you can't justsay, "try new things," just likethat. - well, i just did. - well, it looks like we'rehaving a bit of a disagreementabout what to do here, phil.
- looks like we are. - well, how do you supposewe resolve this? - it's the 7-second challenge. - right. okay. well, i guessthat would be the perfect way toresolve this. - in case anyone's as confusedas i am right now, phil, why don't you explain whatthe 7-second challenge is? - hopefully you guys know whatthe 7-second challenge is,right? cool. there is oneconfused dad up there. - what are you on about?
- well, basically, you have todo whatever the other personsays in seven seconds. - that's basically it.it's a very simple game. - but phil, what happens aftersomebody attempts the challenge? - well, the other person decideswhether they nailed it. [victorynoise] that's sexy. - that waspretty cool, actually. - or failed it.[buzzer] - that's the bad one. - sounded like anangry badger. ehh. - yeah, because when badgersattack, that's how they sound.isn't that right?
well, i am totally ready to dothis, but i don't see how we'regoing to do the 7-second challenge withouta timer of any kind. - oh, yeah. [ding]isn't that convenient? - okay. sure. whatever.i guess that'd work. - hey, dan. i've got an idea.- yeah. - why don't we testit out on these guys? - okay. all right. i seewhere you're going. okay. who is up for someaudience participation? okay. well, a lot of you wereclearly very excited by that.good. good for you.
about half of you thoughwere like, "what? no. no. oh, my god. dan, please.dan, don't do this to me. no.no. no!" don't worry. do not worry. youhave seen my video. i would notdo that to you. phil, i have an idea. - yeah? - you can all attempt thischallenge at the same time. that is right. okay. so i don't want to see a singleone of you not joining in because you are collectivelyresponsible for nailing it orfailing it.
phil, are you ready? - yeah. you guys at the top,you're on phil watch. - okay. right. let's do this. [tense music] okay, wow.that's tense. do you guys feel thetension right now? - oh, yeah. - good, because this is seriousbusiness, okay? right. your challenge is to give me andphil three different animalimpressions in seven seconds.
okay? go! six, five, four,three, two, one. stop. stop. please, stop. wow. okay. - well, that was something. - it was like the sound ofnoah's ark crashing into a rock. - we had some geese honking downhere, some zebras mating at thetop. - phil, please. i mean youcan't deny that they tried. i think the effort wasdefinitely there. - yeah, i think for effortalone, you all collectivelynailed it. [victory noise]
[victory noise] - all right. okay. look, phil.they applauded themselves. - oh. - no, that's good. you haveself-esteem. yes. yes. cheer for us. okay. well, i guess it's our turnthen, phil. just one smallprob-o. where are we going to getchallenges from? after all, noapp. i'm just going to stopasking questions. what's in the box, phil?
- it's some 7-second challenges. - written by these guys. - oh, okay. these guys wrotethese? and now we're about to... i'm not scared or anything.- guess what, dan. - yeah.- you're going first. - why? - i invented the 7-secondchallenge. so i get to bechallenge master. - yeah, yeah. because nobodyever brings that up, right? oh, did you know that amazingphil actually created the7-second challenge?
okay, okay. so to be clear what weare playing for here, if i win, we stick to doingwhat we do on youtube. if you win, you get to do yoursinging and try new things,whatever they are. - let's do this. oh, god. right, guys. give mesome energy. charge me up. damn. thank you. all right.i am fricking zazzed now. - all right. our first one foryou comes from jackie. - okay.
- who wants you to act outthree different memes. - what? okay. wow.much doge. very dog. oh, i am the crying pepe. oh, waddup? it's dat boi. because that was aunicycle. right, guys? - i was curious. - oh, my god. what is my life? so the bar for thisshow has just been set, and it is down there. okay.
- definitely. all right. what doyou guys think? do you think henailed it? - thank you. come on, phil. - i mean you are the king ofmemes. you nailed it. [victorynoise] - okay. thank you. good start,danny. okay. what are you doing? - i'm just warming up. - okay. watch out, people. philis warmed up. okay. phil, yourfirst challenge comes from kendall, who wants you todo a rap about the nearestobject to you. go. - okay. yo. this candle,cactus, is really green. if i threw it at dan, itwould be really mean. word.
- okay. okay. phil. phil. didyou just embrace the cactus andgo, "word?" - i did. - okay. i am sorry. i'mpretty sure that's offensive. - i may have calledit a candle at first. - you brought it back.- but i did rhyme at the end. - it is green, and if you threwit at me, it would be mean. youactually rhymed? - i rhymed. - okay. here's how we will tell.who would buy "cactus" by phillester on itunes? maybe it could be the bonustrack on the ladders ep whenthat comes out.
well, the people seem to likeit. i'm going to say you nailedit, phil. please put thatdown. right. okay. one-all. let's keep this going. - let's do it. okay. this one comes from jake. - be kind, jake. - who wants you to spelldan howell backwards. - what? okay.l-l-e-w-o-h, n-a-d? - i can't believe you did that.
- that was going nowherein my head. okay. - once you got tow, i was like... - no idea how to get... therewere people in the audiencelike, "come on. come on. he's doing it. he's doing...yes." thank you. okay. come on,phil. come on. - well, you definitely nailedthat one. [victory noise] - all right. thank you. thatpressure was too much. okay.phil. - yes. - your next one comes from lexi,and you better get this oneright. - oh, no.
- phil, name five differentbreeds of dog. go. - golden retriever, chihuahua,shiba iiu, alsatian, yellow dog. - yellow dog?[laughter] - i had to say something. - okay. wait a minute. - a yellow dog istechnically a dog. - yellow dog. - yellow dog? - okay, yeah, we all know thefamous dog breed, yellow dog.
what are some of the names ofdogs that phil could have said?just shout them out, guys. - it's all comingback to me now. - listen to all of the thingsyou could have said. - pug. dalmatian. - too little, too late, phil.you failed it. okay. what a shame. why is this socompetitive? okay, right. - right, okay. this next onecomes from denna.
- who wants you to do thesexy end-screen dance. - it's thesexy end-screen dance. just click here, and i'll loseall my self worth. okay. yeah,that was... - wow. there is a reason we stoppeddoing the sexy end-screen danceand drawful naked. - definitely.-they are very inappropriate. a lot of you clearly enjoyedthat, but there are some peoplelike, "what's just happened?"- what was that? - can we just have a moment ofsilence for the lost end screensof dan and phil?
great decision. - so these guys seem to enjoyit. so i'm going to say younailed it. - okay. give me those back. i nailed it, but at what cost?my dignity. okay, right. phil, this is from sam, whowants you, thank you, to do animpression of dan. - hi. my name is dan. really? okay, okay. you could have done anything, and you did literally the worstthing you could have done. okay,whatever.
was that an accuratefetus dan impression? - i think it was. i think ibecame fetus dan for a second. - okay, right. well,they seem to enjoy it. i shouldn't have to be bulliedin my own stage show, but i'm going to say younailed it, phil. well done. - wait a minute. wait a minute.you did get that one about thedog breeds wrong, which i guess means that i wonthe 7-second challenge. allright. thank you. - whoa, whoa, whoa.wait a second. i think we need tospice things up a bit.
- okay. phil. phil.no, don't do this. - i think we need todo all or nothing. - okay. phil. you can't justsay, "all or nothing," everytime you lose something. it's for when people draw. - just think about theexplosions at the end of amovie. - this guy. - the slow-motion running. wehave all of that right now, hereon this stage. - you know what? you know what? i will take the bait, likei do every single time.
phil, you wanna go down instyle? that's fine by me. bringit on. all or nothing.- all or nothing. [dramatic noise] - that is so terrifying. i am like totally ready to dothis, but we have run out ofchallenges. so we're gonna have to getsome more cards from somewhere. [evil laughing] - what was that? - phil, the box. themystery box is glowing.
- do you think it's radioactive? - well, apparently you'll getsuperpowers if it is. - okay.- what is it, phil? - it's a mysterious card witha question mark on it. - oh. right. well, what's on themysterious card, phil? - a 7-second challenge. - it's a challenge?- yeah. - okay then. i guess this can bemy one. are you ready, guys? allor nothing. okay. let's do this. hit me, phil.
- dan.- yes. - turn into a whale and swim tothe other side of the room. - what? i can't get to the otherside of the room in sevenseconds. how can i turn into a whale? [makes whale noises] - dan. dan. dan! i mean that was reallybeautiful, but you're stillhere. - obviously. - i don't see a blowhole,so you failed it.
and it was all or nothing,which means i win. - okay. right. give me thatcard. i don't believe you. turn into a whale. this isn'tphysically possible. okay. who put this here? - i don't know. - right. well, whatever. i guessphil won all or nothing. what asurprise. - all right.- oh, why did i bother? - time to bring some showbusiness to the stage. - do you know why i'm calledamazing phil?
[audience] because you'reamazing! -thank you. - i mean you told meyou're called amazing phil because you wanted to appearfirst when people are sortedalphabetically. - it was actually because ialways had ambitions to become amagician. - audience, prepare yourselvesfor the mind-boggling and mildlyinteresting feats of the amazing phil.[drum roll] - phil? phil, whereare you going? phil, what do you mean"the amazing phil?" sorry about this, guys. phil?
why is there a drum rollplaying? i'm very concernedright now. okay. he's got a sparkly box. and he's wearing a shiny jacketand a top hat. okay, okay, sure. phil? whatyou got there? [ta-da sound] wow. what a mess. there yougo, your first souvenir. okay, this is happening. what you go there, philly?a little cloth of some kind. whoa, whoa, whoa. okay, i seewhat kind of show this is.
close your eyes, everybody. theamazing phil is a stripper,apparently. what? okay. wait aminute. wait a minute. okay. sure, sure, fine, right. i take it back. let'ssee what he does. you want me to force choke you? oh, thirsty. you drink. right,yep, sure. what you got? oh, is that ribena? my fave.thanks, phil. sorry, but this just seems likea nice favor to do for yourbuddy. i don't really see where themagic is with this one.
okay, okay, wait. okay, i don't actuallysee how he's doing that. witch! get away from mewith your satan water! was that necessary? thanks. don't really want the rest ofthis, funnily enough. anybodythirsty? have a... you actuallyput up your hand. wow. i was joking. that's fine.i'll just put this down here. food to go with the drink.nice. magic with a story. what do you have?
it's a sign that sayseggs. okay. sure. flour, right. butter. are these ingredients?hang on a sec. sugar, okay, i think we knowwhere this is going. i am ready for this, phil.give me what i want. a delicious, juicy... ...picture of a cake. thanks, phil. iappreciate the magic but you can't eat a pictureof a cake, i'm just saying.
oh my god, you don't have toprove me wrong, you freak. thank you. i'll justput this over here. you okay, phil?you look like you're gonna barf. what is that? what is comingout? do you want me to help? right, here we go. phil, what is this? whereis this coming from? oh, this is so disgusting.it's covered in dribble. thank you. okay. who wants some dribblystuff from phil's mouth?
of course you do,of course you do. you disgust me. a sketch pad. doingsome art now, are we? a pen? in the box? don't mind me, just being theglamorous assistant for asecond, guys. okay. let's... oh, my god, phil.why is there a dead rabbit inyour magic... i mean there's nothing in thebox, other than... this pen. everything is fine.there you go phil. right, what wedrawing? it's a circle.
it's a b... a bal... a ball. right, yeah, obviously. big sports fan. a golf ball. football.basketball. bow... bowel... a bowling ball!i got that before you. right, what now, phil? -ah! ah! - you sound a bit constipated. wait a minute.
where did this come from? hang on a sec. so you just made a real bowlingball fall out of that drawing, but you gave me apicture of a cake? what is wrongwith this guy? who wants a bowlingball? here you go. i don't even know whatto say to you anymore. i'll just put thissomewhere safe. strike. continue.
[crashing sound] [screaming] jesus. oh, great. another cloth dance.loved that the first time. he could've actually impaledme with that. just saying. phil? phil, what have you done? have you done something to themicrowave? phil, why is itsmoking? oh my god, this is so dangerous. okay guys, you're going to haveto tell me what's inside this. ican't see. what? what is it? why arepeople screaming?
guys? that's it. i'mcoming round and looking. what is that? - get in the box. - i'm not getting in that.- get in the box. - this is a terrible idea. - what? what? oh my god phil, whathave you done to my legs? - i was trying to make a llamaappear, and i think somethingwent wrong. - you think somethingwent wrong?
if these are here, then where'sthe other half of the llama? and does it have my legs? - i think it's best notto think about that. - what do i do? - i mean it looks really great. - that is not the point. - i'm sure it's just temporary. - you're sure it's temporary? - well, how's about i make thiswhole stupid magic trickdisappear?
give me your outfit. okay, really? phil, can youplease take this seriously? thank you. very impressive.right, jacket. and the hat. oh, oh, he gets sympathy? really, people? idon't believe this. i am going to work out what todo about my little furrysituation here. phil, while i leave you alone,please just stick to what we doon youtube. - okay. all right.
- well bye, i guess. oh no. - i think it looks great.look at his little tail. - oh, please. - well, i guessit's just us then. so dan said i shouldstick to what i know. i mean normally i'd befondling my house plants, but... ...maybe not that one. i don't have my laptop.i don't have my video camera. hey, maybe i could try pressingsome of these microwave buttons.
here we go.three, two, one... well that was an anticlimax. i think they're broken.should i give it a kick? [audience] yes! [explosion] woah! you didn't see that.don't tell dan. what have we got?what is this? i'm just gonna put this backexactly how it was. there we go. it's a button thatsays "push me."
okay. if something goes wrong,it is totally your fault. here we go. oh no. is everyone okay? is anyone scared of the dark? okay, alright. i'll press itagain. i'll press it again. let there be light. that felt powerful. hey, something's appearing onthe microwave. what do we havehere?
oh! you're not meantto see that or that! or that! hey! looks like we've stumbledacross dan's selfie collection. oh. it's his unsuccessful selfiecollection. what else have wegot? oh no, that is not a good angle. let's move on from that one. oh, i think that's a classiccase of accidental front camera.
we've all done that rightbefore, guys. got any more? oh no! i don't even want toknow what is going on there. let's move on. oh, it's my weird kid files. i knowhow to talk about this. i think i got to where i amtoday by being a rather strangeindividual. i've got a 2007 myspace haircut.i'm terrified of cheese. i wear un-matching socks.what have i got on today?
foxes and sloths. i think this all stems back tothe fact that i was a ratherstrange child. let's have a look at young phil. there i am. that was me, back when iwas conjoined to a zebra. me and susanhad great times together. let's have a look at some of thereasons why this guy was a weirdkid. oh, the broken arm. i'd like to introduce you allto my old school friend roger.
one fateful july, roger becamethe coolest kid in school. it wasn't because ofhis shiny zubat card. it wasn't because his brotherworked at the bowling alley, which at the time, i thoughtwas the best job ever. it was actually becauseroger had a broken arm. i was so jealous. he got time off school. he had a special helper thatwould write out all of hishomework for him. people wouldeven draw on his cast.
which obviously i wassuper jealous of. so i decided that i wanteda broken arm like roger, but i couldn't do itto myself on purpose. i had to make it happen"accidentally". i put toys at thetop of the stairs, in the hope that i'd trip overthem and fall down the stairs. i climbed the tallest andflimsiest tree and hoped that abranch would snap. yeah, just appreciating thephotoshop on that one. even on my birthday, i blew outall the candles on my cake,
and my wish to thecake genie was, "please break myarm, cake genie." i mean you gotarespect that cake genie. sadly i never did break my arm, although i did break my hand ina piggyback race at university. turns out broken bones are alot less cool when you're 18. that is a reason whyi was a weird kid. let's see what otherstories we've got on here. oh, fish.
when i was six, i went on aholiday to portugal with myparents and my grandma. one day, she was watching meswim an entire length of thepool, underwater. that's what i look like wheni'm swimming underwater. when i came up for air she said, "oh phillip. i thinkyou are part fish." now, six-year-olds tend totake things quite literally. so from that moment on ithought it was my destiny to become somekind of superhero, fish boy.
yeah, watch out captain america.fish boy's in town. now everyone knows a superheroneeds some way to activate theirpowers. so when i got back from holiday,i went up to the tank of my petfish frank, and... ... i ate some of his fish food. yes. i actually ate fish food inthe hope it would transform meinto fish boy. didn't actually taste that bad. it was kind of like some cerealyou'd find down the back of thesofa. i'd eat that, over cheese,any day of the week. thankfully that didn't poisonme, but i never did fulfill myfishy dreams.
that is another reason whyi was a weird kid. must have room for one morestory on here. let's have alook. oh, moving away. this is an amazing philexclusive. i have not told thisone before on the internet. as a kid, nothing was cooleror more mysterious than someone who wasmoving out of town. where were they going?who were they? what secret missionwas their family on? it was alli could think about.
so i decided i wanted to bethat cool, mysterious kid. so i lied to all my friends andsaid i was moving to america. i said we had a house onthe outskirts of vegas. i said my mum... [laughter] i said my mum had gota job at the white house, which in my head wastotally near las vegas. although maybe obama hasa second white house, and that's where hekeeps all the ufos. there's a conspiracytheory for you.
so i was expecting to tell allmy friends and them to be like, "phil, we're so sad you'releaving. we've erected a giantstatue in your honor." turns out seven-year-olds aren'tthat sentimental aboutfriendship, because they were just like,"all right, okay. have fun. byephil." have fun? that's all i wasworth to you, roger? i was crushed. it's like a steamrollerhad run over my emotions. so obviously i neverdid move to america,
but i had to come up withsome kind of excuse. so i said that we'd been outthere for a month, but we had tocome back because the sun was toostrong for my pale skin. that's me after being outsidefor two minutes. it's a realproblem. although, i did come backwith a fake american accent. so i was like, "oh, howdy,guys. i'm back from america." that was better than the one idid earlier. i'm improving. but that is another reason why iwas a definitely-not-american, but really weird kid.
- phillip michael lester, youhave no idea what i have justbeen through. oh yeah, hey everyone. - hey. you got your legs back.see, i told you it'd betemporary. - right. i know you didtechnically win that last7-second challenge, but please just promise me no more magic - okay. no more magic. - thank god. right. so what were you guysup to while i was having fun? - oh, loads of stuff.
nothing involvingyour selfie folder though. - my what? wait. what wereyou looking at guys? - we were actually talkingabout why i was a weird kid. - oh, so you're going to be herefor like three hours then. i cango sit down. - no. we're done withmy weird kid stories. i thought we could getsome from these guys. - okay, sure. - check this out, dan. let'shave a look at our first victim. - okay, i see. we have our firstweird kid in the window ofshame. nice.
- yeah, and it iselizabeth, who says, "i used to tie my shoelacestogether and run down thestreet." - you used to deliberatelytie your shoelaces together? what is wrong with you? - i mean i know they saysnowboarding is an extremesport, but shoelace tying isa whole other level. - tie it. let's dothis. okay. wow. i mean i just have no idea whyyou would do that to yourself. - yeah. well, actually i did dothat to myself at school so icould get attention.
- wait. what?- yeah. - you tripped yourself up toget sympathy? phil. okay. - yeah i said itwas someone else. - they're all like, "aw." guys,it works. he got the sympathy. - it worked. yeah. that wasreally weird of me as well, but as i sympathize with it, i think we need to give these aweirdness ranking, out of five. - well, how weird iselizabeth's story? - i'm going togive that a three.
- all right. well, thank you,elizabeth. - well done. - okay. wow. three rotating phil childfaces, out of five. - yeah, definitely earned them.let's see who's next. - it's stephanie. - i used to talk to an imaginaryperson outside the window on thefifth floor. - okay.- what? - height aside, that's reallycreepy. just saying. - that's like somethingfrom a horror movie.
- it's like, "oh, hey there,stephanie. what you doing?" "talking to the ghost ofthe girl i used to know." ah! - although my brother did havean imaginary dog called lasagna. just putting that out there. - wait. an imaginarydog, called lasagna? - yeah, we had to put foodout for it. yes. - okay. you have justone-upped her. wow. - i know. but let's behonest, that's pretty weird.
- it is. - so i think i'm goingto give that a four. - a four for stephanie. allright. thank you very much,stephanie. - who's next? - abigail. - i used to pretend to eat mystuffed animals at night. [mimics attack ontitan theme] wow. when anime goes too far. okay. - all that's going through myhead is "toy story." think ofthe children. - oh my god. they go to akindergarten. it's like, "what'sit like being abigail's toy?"
"don't talk about nighttime!" hey, woody. where you going? argh! argh! argh!wow. - i mean you know... yeah, ithink that's really weird aswell. - come on. it has to be. - i'm going to saythat's a four. - yep. thank you, abigail.- well done. - all right. extremelydisturbing. - shadi. wait a minute.
- i used to have a crush ontimon from the lion king. i mean he is a pretty sexymeerkat. let's be honest. - right. yeah. i would.just saying. wow. the lion king. i have alwaysthought it was a gateway to thefurry fandom. i'm just putting thatout there, seriously. but hey guys, guys. this is azero-meerkat-shaming zone. you said you liked it. come on.we can't procrastinate. - all right. as we're notshaming someone for liking acartoon meerkat, i'm gonna give it a two.- thank you.
- well done. - you have nothing to be ashamedof. we all relate. next one. it is heather. - i used to lick ants off trees. - heather? what is wrong withyou? - that's horrible. - i mean i guess they mightbe quite nutritious. - okay, phil. pleaseexplain this one to me. - i mean you know some peopleare raised by wolves. maybe heather wasraised by anteaters.
- oh, that is obviously theexplanation, phil. - that's like a residualinstinct thing. - well, if anybody is sat nextto somebody chowing down on abucket of ants instead of popcorn, that'sheather, and it's completelynormal. - that's really weird. i'm goingto give that a four. - yeah, thank you, heather. allright. you do you, heather.okay. - yes. who's next? - and thurlene... - i used to melt the faces of mybarbies and stick them together.
- okay, you have one-upped theother toy story, seriously. i mean oh, my god. - that's horrifying. i'm goingto be dreaming of that foryears. - i'm just thinking of like atoy support group now. what arethey thinking about? - maybe they're just trying tocreate like the ultimatesuperhero barbie. - the super barbie. i'm in pain.please kill me. - let's be honest. judging fromeveryone's reactions... - i'm incredibly disturbed.- that's a five. - a five out of five. all right.well done.
- wow. i think that's anincredibly disturbing place toend our weird kids. - [together] thankyou, everyone. you have so much to be proud of. - i feel better about my weirdkid stories as well. so thankyou. - aw, well there we go. say, phil, where did you getthat weird magical button from,by the way? -oh, this?- yeah. - definitely not from kickingthe microwave and breaking it. - wait, what? what happenedwhile i was gone guys? what didphil do?
- i'm just going to goback here and fix... - fix?- nothing at all. bye, guys. - oh. bye phil. well, i guess it's just us then.hey, everybody. hi. i guess if phil did weird kid, ishould do something from myyoutube channel. let's see, we got mehere on this stage, you guys out therein the audience, oh, and a whole lot ofemotional baggage. am i right? am i right?
okay. okay. i think we'reall on the same wavelength. what should i do, guys? - [crowd] internetsupport group! - internet support group. i wasthinking the same thing. ohyeah. just one small issue with that.phil destroyed the internet,didn't he? so i'm wondering howthat's gonna work. [phone ringing] well, that's ominous. am i answering themystery telephone?
yeah. sure. what couldgo wrong, right? really? really? uncle dan's phone supporthotline? that's what internet...okay. sure. sure. this is happening.isn't it? hello? oh, sorry.sorry. speak up. hello? - hi, dan. my name is paulina,and i'm from california. - oh. we have our first calleron the phone support hotline.right. well hey there, paulina. what doyou want to ask your old uncledan? no. okay. that's creepierthan i thought it'd sound.
- my problem is that my god isshrek, and my parents won'taccept my religion. - really? that's how we'restarting this? okay. well, paulina, as you know,shrek is our one true green lordand savior, it is true. as they say, shrek islove, shrek is life. guys, we're on the sameteam here. you know what? i think, paulina, your parentsjust need to accept that sincediscovering him, it is all ogre foryou now. okay. there we go. good start. hello, welcome to thephone support hotline.
- hi, dan. i'm jay,and i'm from california. - jay from california. hey.what would you like to ask? - my problem is that i havethe same type of shirt, and it's all i everwear. please help. - okay. wow. like me and thatthing i wore in 2015. sameoutfit every day. well, jay, fashion advice. whenit comes to style, i say thereis only one rule. one color that solves everyproblem. what am i talkingabout? [audience] black! guys, i am so proud of you, yes!
jay, it doesn't matter if it'sthe same shirt. you just pile blackon black on black and if it ever gets too hot inthe summer, just don't gooutside. it's simple. thankyou, jay. all right. 1-800-crisis.you're on the line. - hi, dan. my name is alex,and i'm from california. - alex, what is your problem? - my problem is i've been in theanime pit for four years. will iever escape? - the anime pit. well, i justheard like 50 people go, "same."
our generation, man.there is no hope. well, alex, i think you justneed to accept that you are aweeb trash can, and you will never climb out ofthis pit like the rest of us. your life is over! okay! i'm just gonna putthis out there. this is usually the point in aregular internet support group where i'd have a little beverageto keep me going. you know whati'm saying? [llama noise] oh, not that thingagain. what do you want?
does that have a name? i feellike the llama should have aname. any ideas, guys? whatcould we call it? susan.very inventive. okay. carl? carl. phil. really? larry. larry the... okay. waita minute. wait a minute. okay. larry the llama. are you saying that becausethat's good alliteration? or because you're aone direction fan?
guys, we are not goingthere right now. hey there, larry, my fluffyfriend. what have you got backhere for me? oh guys, i think this is thedrink i was expecting. okay. this should make things easier.here we go. all right. non-alcoholic grapejuice? really? sure. fine. right, whatever.let's get this over with. [ringing] hi. - [sari] hi, dan. my name issari, and i'm from utah.
- hey. what do you want? - my question is, how do i avoidalways saying the most awkwardthings at the wrong time andcoming off as an idiot? - okay. spoken like somebodywho really suffers. talking to people is hard, guys.how do you make friends? what i always say is you shouldintroduce yourself to peoplewith a pun. seriously, it never goes wrong. you go up to the cool kids,hand them an ice cube and say, "ice to meet you,"
and then you just drop whateveryou're holding and walk away. the thing is, at that moment,they'll either just go, "wow," and you'll knowwhere you stand, or you've found your newbest friends. seriously. it works every time. thank you, sari. okay. - hi, dan. i'm samantha,and i'm from california. - samantha, hey. what wouldyou like to ask? - my question is, how do i ask agirl out that i really like?she's really pretty.
- aww. okay. - samantha, the answer is youdon't try to get real people because they canhurt your feelings. instead, you should just datefictional characters in yourmind. they will never betrayyou, seriously. i have been dating all of evanpeters' american horror storycharacters for months now. it's going really great. thank you, samantha.good luck. right. wow. this is my life.
- hi, dan. my name is sandy, andi'm a mommy from victorville,california. - okay. we got a parent. do we?okay. i'm going to need this. are there any otherparents here? how many mums do we have inthe audience tonight? oh wow. quite a few. hey, ladies. how youdoing? you good? well, you know what? you do notneed to worry about anything because me and phil, we aresuper educational, and we're areally great influence. right guys?
you do not need to worryabout anything, sandy. you have yourselfa lovely evening. don't tell them anything, okay? oh, got another one. sure. [loud music] john cena! right. i guess it doesn't matterwhether it's on a phone or backon the internet, you guys are justgonna troll me, huh? yeah, yeah, youlittle... uh, i mean... i mean...
i love my audience. thank you for coming tonight. - hey, dan. - oh. hi, phil. why are you inthe microwave? - well, i was thinking aboutwhat we do on youtube. - and about how creativeall of these guys are and how we should dosomething to celebrate it. - yeah. well, that's a niceidea. what'd you have in mind? - well, i found...
- found? oh, no, phil.what is it this time? - this.- um... - wow. well, that is definitelythe most fabulous trolley i've ever seen inmy entire life. wait, oh, sorry. or should isay shopping cart? right, yep. needto use the lingo. - i think it really sumsup my personality. - yeah. i think we'd allagree with that, phil. - yeah, well guess what? there'sone back there for you as well.
- really?- go get it. - there's one for me?- yeah. - okay. all right. i wonder whatmine looks like. let's see. dan's shopping cartlooks like this. would you look at that? it is literally justcompletely black. wow, okay. but it does have a huge d onthe front. there we go. d. i am not even going toacknowledge that. okay, right. so what do we have inthese carts of joy, phil?
- well, they're filledwith arts and crafts and things that theseguys have made. - oh, okay. so i guess you'resaying in this weird no-internetversion of things, this is kind of like the... - the tumblr tag in real life. - oh, no, phil. what have youdone? what have you done? - crafty corner. - things better not getlike dan and phil crafts, or i'm gonna start craftingin a minute. okay.
- hey, dan. hey, dan. pro tip. - phil.- i'm sorry. i'm sorry. - youtube comments have notrecovered from pro tip yet. you cannot bring that up. - hey. let's have a look at...- so what have you got? - i have... oh, dan.we found mel-apples. - oh, my god. oh, god. it'sactually mel-apples. - it's so good.
- okay. someoneactually painted that. - that is so well-painted. imean look at that detail. - i'm just gonna putthis out there. that is a lot better than theone that dill painted. i'm justsaying. okay. - i know. - we could put that up in ourhouse and live a bit of dill. - definitely. - or maybe not, as then maybealiens who come and abduct us,like tabatha. seriously. what isgoing to happen?
- that would be bad. but this is a beautiful object.- it is. - so thank you verymuch to catherine. - thank you, catherine. allright. that is beautiful. okay. let's see what i have first. it's a trophy for beingphil trash number one. ha ha. very appropriate. wow.it's got the whiskers. it says, "2009 toinfinity." okay. really? wow.
really? wow. i guess it'sofficial now, guys. - yeah. do you feel like youneed to do some kind... - thank you, jazmine.- thank you. - okay. hey. oh, great. - all right. so whathave we got next? dan, look at this! - wait a minute. - this is dan with kanyeand me with buffy. - really?- that's so good.
- those are so detailed.- i know. - i love how longingly i'mlooking at kanye in thispicture. i'm just like, "dad." i mean... i don'tknow what to say. - meanwhile, me and buffy arejust eyeing up the camera like,"oh, hey." - hey, how you doing? well, that is just anotherbeautiful piece of art that i am going to frameand keep in my bedroom. - [together] thank you, ray!- all right! beautiful!
okay. looks like we've gotsome more art now guys. let's see what it is. it's a beautiful canvaspainting of dan as shrek. - that is one of the best thingsi've ever seen with my eyes.that is incredible. - this must have taken so longfor somebody to actually make.wow. well, i well i mean, meanit's very accurate. this painting has nosoul. i have no soul. seriously. i wouldsuit being an ogre - you definitely do.
- is this what i've inspired?shrek fan art? really? - i know my place. this is justas great as the other art. thank you isabella. - oh, wow. i see your shrekart, and i raise you... a baby dil! look at this! that's kind of disturbingand cute at the same time. - i am equallyterrified and happy. - wow. i mean, somebodygave us a dil doll.
i don't really knowwhat to say about that. [laughter] - keep it going, dan. - i didn't mean to say that.okay. let's just move on. it's like a beautiful familyportrait, look at that. thank you for this.there we go. it looks like there's justone thing left in mine. - i will say, when you saidtumblr in real life, i thought, "oh, no. it's allgonna be creepy,"
but there have actually beensome really beautiful pieces ofart. haven't there?- yeah, really great. - so let's see what dan haslast. - what's this? - it's a whisk covered in memes. really? you give this? you have not seen whati have seen, okay? you cannot just bringthis back into my mind. this...i appreciateyour support. i'm gonna go erasethis from my memory.
thank you, sally. okay. i feel like that is a good timeto end this segment. okay. - wait. dan, dan, dan. there'sone more thing in there. - is there? what is it? - yeah. it's the pop-upbook of fan art. - whoa. phil. i don't think youshould have picked this up. - should we open it? - don't ask them.- okay. - okay, fine, whatever.
- three, two, one. whoa! - whoa. what is that?why is everybody naked? - what is benedictcumberbatch doing? - they're all ontop of each other. - is this legal? - phil, there's flaps.there's pop-up flaps. - i don't like flaps. - phil, we've comethis far. we have to.
whoa! stop. stop.stop all of this. you know what, guys?i take it all back. here i was earlier saying, "hey. we're stuck in thisweird no-internet universe. i think we should just stick towhat we do on youtube in reallife. after all, what can go wrong?" well, it turns out the answeris literally everything. - well, i hate to sayi told you so, dan, but i said we shouldtry something new.
you know? something like... - no, phil, phil. don't do this. â™ª whenever i'm alone... â™ª - okay, stop! stop. stopthe music. hey, hey. okay. i've got an idea. if microwaving your laptopgot us into this mess, then maybe the microwavecan get us out of it. - what? dan, no! dan, what are you doing?that could be dangerous. dan.
- bye, phil. - come back. dan.where are you going? dan! - well, this is weird.- oh. hey, dan. - phil? - what are you doing over there? - i don't know. what are youdoing over there? - oh. uh-oh.- i'm spinning. - this feels weird. - phil. phil, give mea hand. [grunting]
oh, phil. look at all thesepeople that are here to see us. - hello. why are they wearingsuch old-fashioned clothes? - who understands kids thesedays? right? are you ready? - yes. [grunting] - now for the hard part. oh. oh. - hello.- hello, everyone. - hello.- hello there. - hey. all right. here we are. let's plugour brains into the hyper-web
and get some questions fromour audience on pewdie-tube. ask me the question, old friend.- the question? - oh, yes. the question. can you do thewhiskering on me, phil? yes! here we go. - there's your nose.- thank you very much. - whisker.- one. - whisker.- two. - whisker.- three.
- whisker.- four. - whisker.- five and six. - thank you very much. right.let me do you. okay. there's your nozzle. one, two, three.- oh, that feels nice. - other side. four, five,and six. there we go. why phil, how many years havewe been doing this together? - oh, i think this is the 75th. - oh, 75 years. wow.
it's hard to remember after allthose sharpie fumes we inhaled,hey? - yes. i had a little sniffbefore we came through the door. - not in front of people.that's our secret. - sorry. let's begin. - time for the first question. phil, what is your favorite songthat is stored on your brain'shard drive? - i think that must be thecollaboration between thereunited one direction... - yes. yes. that's athing that happened. - and the robot mychemical romance.
- oh, yes. zane and metal gerard sing suchbeautiful harmonies together. - what a tune. - it's a shame though that nilehoran can't play his guitaranymore, ever since he transplanted hisconsciousness into that potato. - at least he's proudof where he comes from. - indeed. - let's see what's next. iphone 68 orsamsung galaxy 17,546?
- oh, phil. you knowi have to say apple or they'll shut down myicloud brain storage. - all my memories arebacked up there. - what is your favorite memory? - from my whole life?- yes. - i know. probably when ourbook, "the amazing book is noton fire..." oh. yes. yes.- hashtag spon. - can't forget that.very important. it went on to become thebestselling book in the entireuniverse.
- yes.- yes. yes, it did. why, even president beyoncehad a copy in her toilet. - oh, yes. what a wonderfulleader she was. - what is your worst memory? - probably when those alieninvaders banned all memes fromthe internet. oh yes, young dan wasvery sad that day. - oh, what a terribletime. poor pepe. - let's move onto somethingmore fun, shall we? - this one brings me back. phil,do an impression of yourfavorite animal.
- oh, okay. [noise]wa-ka-ka-kow! - what was that, phil? - it was the squirrel shark. - oh, yes. the squark.- yes. - king of the seas and thetrees, one may say. - ever since they startedsplicing animals together, ijust had to catch them all. - you're a weird guy, phil. ithink we have time for one more. - oh, yes. let's see. oh, you'll like this one buddy.
- really? - set your hip settings to twerkfor four seconds. - oh, i don't know. itsounds like they'd like us to. - shall we do it?- okay. - all right.- give us a moment. - okay. oh. okay. - right. three, two, one. here they go. i remember this sensationfrom back in the day.
it's like being young again. what? stop, stop, stop. phil! phil, what happened? - i think that was one twerktoo many, old chap. - i don't understand, phil.what are you saying? - i think i'm dying. [screaming] - no. no. phil, youcan't be serious. - at least i died doingsomething i loved.
- phil? phil? - nooooo! wait a minute. a microwave? no, no, this isn'tsupposed to happen. don't worry, phil. iam going to save you. here we go. and [grunting]. bloody hell. don't worry. i got this. okay. let's try again. oh.
you can steal a lotof cereal in one lifetime, huh? [grunting] right. into the microwaveyou go, phil. wait, wait, wait. wait a minute. can't forget these, can i?they were bloody expensive. and... [beep]. bye. [rewind noise] [beep]
- ah. oh my god. that wasabsolutely terrifying. - yeah, twerking to death?miley would be proud. - phil, you don't seem veryconcerned by what just happenedto you there. - yeah i know, but if that'sfashion in the future, i don'twant any part of it. - well, phil, don'tyou see? that was it. - what?- that was our future. - what's wrong with it? - nothing really, just to thinkthat we'll be doing exactly thesame thing
for another 68 years? i mean okay, i guessthat isn't a bad thing. but does that mean thatnothing else happens? we're just stuck repeatingthe same old things? what if we never breakthe mold, phil? what if we never find thecourage to attempt something newand exciting we've never tried before? are we all just slaves tothis predetermined destiny on a linear path throughtime and space?
oh, what's the point? - dan, no, you'regonna have a... [alarm] dan? - why do we exist?- oh, here we go. - what is existence? - sorry guys. hedoes this sometimes. i think we should listen to whatdan has to say, and i might aswell sit here. - if there's no higher purposeto life, then what's the pointin doing anything?
how am i supposed to care aboutwhat i do or what happens if at the end of the day we'reall just inevitably going todie? we are all completelymeaningless in the granderscheme of the universe. at the end of the day, it makesno difference whether we takeaction or justsurrender to oblivion. - right, that's enough. we've been through a lot and weall want to get out of thisstrange situation, but we can't lose younow, dan. we can't fix anything if you'rejust lying face-down on thefloor.
so come on.explain what's wrong. let's talk it out. - [sighs] - why are we here, phil? because i microwaved my laptop. - what are we doing? - trying to entertainthese guys, hopefully. - but what's the point? - because entertainment isdistraction from all theproblems in real life, dan.
we can make people laugh.we can make people think. drawing whiskers on our nosesand answering questions might not seem thatimportant to us, but to some ofthese guys, it is. - okay, okay, i suppose. i guess i just feel like mywhole life is laid out ahead ofme. i'll never try new things. i'll spend the rest of my lifestuck behind a screen, makingyoutube videos. i guess i just don't really feelin control of what's beenhappening here, you know?
[evil laughter] phil? what was that noise?did a weird thing happen again? [engine revving up] what's that? guys? what the... what was that? [laughing] - it's a car. - sherlock, everybody. yes phil, i think we canall see that it's a car.
but why is it here? - hey look, it's got thatweird question mark on it that keeps appearingon all the screens. - wait a minute. this was on theback of that bloody mysteriouscard earlier, wasn't it? okay, i see what's going onhere. well there is no way i'mgoing near that. - dan, this could be a clue. ithink we need to inspect whatwas in the monster truck. - okay. fine. - what is it?- they're scripts. - what do they say?
- oh phil, i don't think weshould have picked these up. - oh no. - guys? guys? do you know what? i have actually just decidedthat i'm fine living in thisno-internet universe. i'm just gonna go over here. - dan, dan! these weresent here for a reason. i think we need toread the scripts. - okay, fine, whatever.right. take this. this is a terrible idea.
- [female voice] inthe beginning... - in the beginning? i thoughtthis was fan fiction, not thebible. - okay phil, are you reallygonna question this? or just letit happen? - right, let's let it happen. - in the beginning, there weretwo boys named dan and phil. phil had jet-black hair,darker than the night's sky, and pale skin, whiterthan the purest snow. - hey! - hey what? i didn't writethis. it's true.
- and then there was dan, asobnoxiously tall as his sense ofhumor. - what? that wastotally uncalled for. - now, are dan and philpirates or cowboys? you decide. - wait, what? - you decide? does she mean us? or does she mean these guys? - oh no. okay, i see what'shappening here. - who wants us to be pirates?
and who wants us to be cowboys? [louder cheering] - okay. i guess we'recowboys apparently, phil. - dan and phil are cowboys. - nice. i might finally get atan. - really? okay. - open.- you open it. what is it? - it's cowboy outfits! - really? okay, sure, right.what do we have?
oh, tasseled vests. wow. it's like being in theymca music video. - hey, with this scarf, i couldlook like a fashionable dog ontumblr. - that's all i've ever aspiredto. right, what else is there? - hats. - yeah. thank you, phil. right, so are you ready to getinto character or whatever? - yes. let's read the script. howdy there, partner.sheriff lester is my name.
you're looking a little lost. is there somethingi can do you for? - [narrator] phil said. - you don't need tosay, "phil said." - you are not thenarrator, phil. - whoa. okay. smack down. - sorry, scary woman in the sky. - phil said, as he put a handtentatively on the revolver byhis waist. - whoa. ain't no need for thatkind of action, sir.
- we've had some strange peoplearound these parts, recently. how can i know you'renot a troublemaker? - i'm just a good, southern,christian boy, sir. you ain't gonna get no troublefrom me. i'm just looking fordirections. - where to? - where did dan and phil gonext? - uh-oh. - did they go into space? or didthey go camping? you decide. - okay. here we go again. whowants us to go to space? and who wants us togo camping together?
well phil, they chose camping.i wonder why. - dan and phil decidedto go camping. - oh. toasty. look outfor moths, everyone. - phil, please. that is the onlything that could make thisworse. right, i'm opening this one. - okay.- okay. what do we have? hey, wait aminute, does this work? alright, nowi can finally seeyou guys. hey. hey. how youdoing? in the middle, up at the top,how you doing? all right?
okay, wow.that is bright. i'm sorry. - hey dan. look at this. - whoopah! - okay. there is no wayi'm getting in that. - just go with the script. - as the glistening moon shonedown on the emerald glade, dan could only hear thewhispering of the wind blowing through theother boy's hair. - alright, who wrote thisscript, stephanie myer?
this seems like a niceplace to stay the night. you don'tmind sharing the tent, do ya? - why, not at all. don't you think it's special, being with another person, justgazing up at the night sky? - dan saw the warm breathevaporate out of phil's mouth and swirl gracefully towardsthe darkness above. - oo-aaaah. - gracefully, phil.- sorry. haaah.
- well, there's lots of thingsyou could do when no one else isaround, if you catch my drift. - why, what'd you have in mind? - what did dan and phil do next? - did they have adelicious cake? or did phil draw danlike a french girl? - what?- you decide. - well phil, i don't feel likewe're about to get a cake. - okay. it's up to you guys.
- who wants usto have a delicious cake? [mild cheering] - wow. really? that'show it is, huh? okay. who wants me to draw dan likea french girl? [loud cheering] - oh, okay. - phil decided to drawdan like a french girl. â™ª [titanic-esque music] â™ª - oh, i can't believe this.okay. let's just get this overwith.
this must be my sketch book. - great. if it'sokay with you phil, don't drop a bowlingball out of this one. - i'll try my best. - phil prepared his sketch book,and dan got into a comfortableposition. - okay. okay. sorry, sorry. what exactly is supposed to be acomfortable position for mehere? - you know, like kate winslet. - kate winslet had achaise lounge, phil.
okay, fine, whatever. okay. - phil gazed up at dan, in aweof the bounteous figure beforehim. - okay. thank you. - dan, i've never felt thisconnected to another person'sspirit before. - i want you tocapture me, phil. create a memento of thismoment we shared together, with a tribute to my body. - their eyes met, as dan beganto slowly unbutton his shirt. - whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,whoa. okay, okay, okay.
can we just pausethat right there for a second? - oh, but i wasenjoying my drawing. - okay, guys. you know what?you know what? i'm sorry. i don't want to solve themystery. i don't care who'sbehind all of this. i just don't wantto do this anymore. is the person behind thisactually gonna show their facenow? [fog horn noise] - dan, something's happening. - phil, now is not the timeto do the robot.
- it's not me. - what do you mean it's not you? - i'm not in control of my body. - this guy, what a joker. [fog horn] oh god, phil, phil. it'shappening to me too. i think i'm possessed. - i've got a prop. - what? anotherprop? what is it?
- it's a bunch of plates. - a bunch of plates? but why? - should dan and phildo the dishes? or do the dishes? - do the dishes? what doesthat mean? phil? [plate smashing] well, that was dramatic.why'd you do that? - it wasn't me. - do the dishes.
oh, sorry. okay. i hit a bunch of you inthe face there. didn't i? i'm sorry about that. oh, no. oh god.- sorry! - oh god. i'm sorry. - guys, i'msorry! this isn't me. - do the dishes. do the dishes.d-d-do the dishes. do thedishes. - it's saying, "do the dishes,"but we're just smashing plates. who does that? - wait, phil. i think i knowwho's behind all of this.
- [together] it's dil! - dil, is it really you? - [simlish] - sorry. excuse me? - yes, it's me, yoursim, dil howlter. - right. okay. - but i don't understand.how is he real? - well, i guess if everythingelse exploded out of youtubeinto reality, then so did he.
except now dil has had the powerto control us like sims thiswhole time. - dil, is that true? - dil? - but i don't understand. whywould you do all of this to us? - because i've had enoughof being controlled. for over a year, i've hadto do whatever you said. - you made me clumsy. you forcedme to go on unsuccessful dates. you made me sleepin a clown suit. - all of that istechnically true, phil.
- i thought it wastime for some revenge. - dil, we didn't meanany of those things, and we tried reallyhard to fix everything. - i think we're just as clumsyand awkward as you are. - after all, dil, you are justsupposed to be the combinationof both of us. - i guess you're right,but it's more than that. i wanted to teach youboth an important lesson. - a lesson? what lesson? - dan, you're worriedabout your future
and if what you're doingnow has any importance. well it's important to me, and i'm sure to these guys here. never doubt yourself.follow your dreams. - wow. dil, what anice thing to say thanks for helpingwith my crisis. - and phil, you're scared thatwho you are isn't good enough. you think you have to changewho you are to impress people but look around.
thousands of people just likeyou have come here tonight to see two nerds from youtube. - it's true. it's true. - that's why they love you. - [together] aww! - dil, that's so profound. i don't need to be amagician to feel accepted. how can we thank you? - you don't need to thank me.just don't mess up myrelationship.
- [laughing] don't worry dil. you and teabag are togetherforever. oh, yeah. - dan, i thought you were goingto stop calling her teabag. - right, yeah, sorry. sorry dil. - and phil.- yeah? - stop microwaving things. - yeah, good point. - yes. i mean we'll tryharder dil, i promise. - but what now?
- i will return the worldback to how it was. just step into the microwavewhen you're ready, and you'll go back tonormal life with the internet. - wow. really? wellthanks, i guess. - where's he going? - huh? - i have no idea.let's just let him do his thing. - oh.- bye, dil. - bye dil.
okay. - well that was a thing. - wait. you know, i thinkwhat dil said is right. making these youtube videosmight not seem that important tome sometimes, but i guess to all the peopleout there that find happiness oreven friendship just through watchingwhat we make... well, that is pretty important. - yeah. you don't need tochange who you are to fit in. we're just two losers that spendall our time watching youtubevideos.
we could all be losers together! - yeah![cheering] you know what, phil? i guessthat is the point of all this. - well, there we gothen. end of the road. just head through there and havethe internet again. see ya. - well actually... there is one thing i've beenwanting to do this whole time. - i really hope you'renot referring to... â™ª whenever i'm alone,or if i'm feeling gray â™ª
â™ª there's one place i can goto brighten up my day. â™ª â™ª it makes me want to sing.that's how this show shouldend. â™ª â™ª but wouldn't it be good if icould sing it with a friend? â™ª - phil, i think you should haveasked before putting me on thespot like this. â™ª okay. fine. whatever.i'll join in too. â™ª â™ª i might go outside and feelmore alive. without twitter,where would i be? â™ª â™ª i guess i'd be fit. â™ª â™ª i'd stop posting shi.... â™ª- rubbish! â™ª but tumblr's a part of me. â™ª
â™ª so many websites and so littletime. there's one or two youshould avoid. â™ª â™ª just don't stop watchingyoutube, or we'll beunemployed. â™ª â™ª the internet is here.the internet is great. â™ª â™ª when you've got lots offollowers, who needs a realmate? â™ª â™ª we might be antisocial,but these days, that is fine. â™ª â™ª because life is so much betterwhen you spend it all online. â™ª â™ª a place where you can beyourself, no matter if you'regeeky. â™ª â™ª find friends that share yourhobbies, even if they'recreepy. â™ª â™ª where any question in yourhead is answered in an instant.â™ª
â™ª who cares if you procrastinateyour one shot at existence? â™ª â™ª without the internet,we never would have met. â™ª â™ª we'd never be here on a stage,doing things we might regret. â™ª - dance break. â™ª who cares if you're a loser,and everybody knows it? â™ª â™ª or if you spend your lifedrawing whiskers on your noses?â™ª â™ª even if your chancesof getting tan are slim. â™ª â™ª or if you live vicariouslythrough life of a sim. â™ª - [simlish] chiltay zombo!
â™ª we might be antisocial,but these days that is fine â™ª â™ª because life is so muchbetter, life is so much better,â™ª â™ª life is so much better â™ª â™ª when you spendit all online. â™ª - come on, phil.let's do it. [cheering]â™ª [music] â™ª - thank you, hollywood! - thank you! - you guys were awesome.
- hope you enjoyed the show. - we will see you guys backon the internet.